Friday, September 29, 2006
{ 1:13 AM }
current i feel damn screwed. it's horrible you know? right after english, i was like, " freak! i couldnt finish the paper!" i told myself i wouldnt screw my mother tongue, but then again, i screwed it up. although i must admit chinese was better than english..but then again, i almost couldnt finish the paper. the ying yong wen was great, but the other one was like..shit. you understand the feeling of being screwed? it's like life isnt right..nothing seems right. you told yourself that you have to win the very last battle, but once again, you see yourself failing. arhhhhh!!! i dont care! i'm must fight till the end, even if i lay down my life. i will still fight on. two papers down, one day ended. there are many other more...
Sunday, September 24, 2006
{ 3:33 AM }
today is such a boring day. there's physics test tomorrow..
i dont believe. i'm sorry if i doubt your pressence now. i dont know if i can ever believe or not. thank you for being harsh. it made me realise a fact. maybe you wont understand me..and just to let you know..i'm someone that like to keep everything up in my heart. you cant see..then forget it. maybe you wont read this, but this is it. it hurted me deeply.
yesterday left a scar in my memory. it's a forever. a scar that will stay with me for life. LIFE!!!Thank you. i really am grateful to those people who supported me. all the way[: (even if you ask me to stop thanking you) heheex. i love you people(:
Friday, September 22, 2006
{ 7:06 AM }
i'm so afraid. everything and everyone look so different. i dont know them. nope. it's all a lie. a lie. nobody will be here by my side. nobody. everyone leaves when i'm down, they go and enjoy themself. because i'm nobody. who am i? why am i here? whatever happens, happens because i caused it to happen. what kind of friend i am? dont you people know? we've been friends for almost three years. do you ever notice anything? do you ever notice anything about me? no..you all will never do anything for me. never. i'm all alone. i take it as i should learn to take everything into my own hands. that's life isnt it? i understand what krishna meant. it's forever MY fault. lam scold us, it's all my fault. people angry, it's all my fault because i cry. i cry, it's all my fault because i'm too weak. when i'm angry, it's all my fault for being so xiao3 qi4. it's always my fault. now, come on everybody, put all the things and blames on me. do so..i dont care. EVERYTHING IS MY FAULT. i'm still walking on..all alone. i can take it everything. i'm vv sad. i finally found out nobody understands me. what do i want? i think i'm trying to get that ideal friend out of everyone. why should i do that? i really very sad. i cried all the way back. do i always have to take everything. i'm dumb, i'm stupid. whatever. but i'm a human. i do have limits. i dont care what you think i am..i'm me. i'm theodora. dont always look at the surface. look into me. what are friends for? no..because i suck too much. i dont have friends..i dont..i'm all alone. trying to brave the storms as it's carrying on. i dont know how long this feeling will prolong..it's just a never ending sadness..
the darkness hid my tearsbecause everything happens for a reasonand i do deserve it.i dread morningfor before dawn breaks, i'll be dead again.only in the dark,do my soul survive. and touch my bleeding heart ,i let out a cry but you never understand.i admire the night, for it prolonged that life.and i'll be living again.i'm so sad..will i remain the same?
Thursday, September 21, 2006
{ 5:54 AM }
does anyone want to lay down? just lay..forget about everything..just lay. the world has too much..to much of misery. would you lie with me and just forget the world. i'm now hook onto chasing cars. it's nice..and rather sad. i really want to give up on everything and lay here. right here. there are too many things happening in the past few days. it all made me wonder-do friendship last? do friends stay by you all the time, forever? or will they move on with their new ones? many people say friends for life..but i doubt it. my idiotic mother is making hell load of a noise again. AGAIN. i wonder where she got so much of energy to go on? like wth. i was just playing the piano..and she said.."it's now ten already..and you are still playing the piano. stop playing." i mean..it's none of your business alright? and it's so early! and when i continue playing, she goes on nonstop! how funny can this be? ha. arhhhhh!!!i'm going mad with all these things! i wanna go and scream. i wanna go to the beach. a quiet one and scream all i want. ok..this is so random. lalala~ i want to jia yous for eoy. this shall be the last post before exams[: may everyone pass and i get into top 15(class)! hahaas..
Sunday, September 17, 2006
{ 12:17 AM }
life is rather chaotic lately. too many things happening at the same time caused that much of trouble...no participation, yet i felt. right now, i'm listening to my immortal and it is giving me a sad touch. i noticed through all these events that, no. 1, no matter how hard you try, you MAY NOT succeed. no. 2, people may blame you even though it is NOT your fault. no. 3, we human can be rather scary at times, pretending to be who you are not. no. 4, it's easy to say " i give up!" but, it's not easy to give up because of all those external factors. no. 5, what you wish , is NOT what is going to happen. i've learnt quite a lot of things here. i will not give it up! go all the way! hahaas..there is something for me to work hard for..so no matter how hard, i've to strive on:] and i'll wait.
Thursday, September 14, 2006
{ 6:58 AM }
i almost thought today was wednesday..i guess i've got a bit of lag time here. today andro didnt come again. but lessons still went on. early in the morning we had literature at the library. it is funny how we could sit in that room with spoilt air conditioner for almost an hour. at first they thought the room was just not cooled by the air conditioner yet, but after quite some time, it still was at that temperature, so ms adri went to check out. and guess what? she found out that the air-con is spoilt. like..wth. and we were squeezed up because of some rearrangment of the tables for some workshop. but we still had to carry on the lessons. and i was a bit angry. i didnt know why. i think morning is not such a good time afterall because i usually had those mood swings in the morning. but it was okay when you calm down and not think about it. after this was chinese. woa. thank god we didnt have to present because huang lao shi the labtop got stuck in a cupboard. to be more specific, the cupboard couldnt open..and the labtop is inside the cupboard. then there was a maths. i hate a maths, because i couldnt understand anything. arhh!! after recess was physics. and we did some practice..then lesson ended. it's always so fast(: then after school went out with bi, simin, yingwei, mao and cheyu to kfc. ate and talk there. closed my eyes and wished. but whenever i opened my eyes, your absence is felt. there cant seem to be any solution..and i waited. i waited for the day to come.
Wednesday, September 13, 2006
{ 5:43 AM }
wee~ today we played softball for p.e. well..softball reminds me of someone. i didnt know softball would be so difficult to learn actually. then when we tried out, i was totally shocked. but i guess he's good:] but that is just a thought ok? just a thought. hahaas..yea then play play play someone's nose got hit. then started bleeding(that was what i heard). thank god i didnt see..if not i'm gonna freak out and cry. i'm scared. so scared..i'm scared of pain, fear, loneliness, insects, stress..i'm just a weakling. call me that if you may, i'm not going to change for anyone because i am me. but that makes me pei4 fu2 somebody..hahaas..then we helped sharon upstairs. next was yue du ke. ohh i love yue du ke. but it seems like she's always picking on us. me and si min were like playing the dont know what block or something like that game. she saw and took it away, but in the end she returned. i guess she thinks that even if she confiscates, we wont get it back from her anyways. then during e maths lesson, sharon and me went to sick bay. actually is i go and accompany her to sick bay de lar..i missed e maths! yay~ anyways i dont understand a single thing because we all didnt go for the holiday lesson. there wasnt any yellow slips, so i went to the sick bay with sharon and helped to get more yellow slips, then i went back upstairs to ask ms sharmila to help sign the yellow slip. i then ran back to the GO to give the yellow slip to the person, lastly, i returned back to class running. when i reached back to class, my stomach was hurting badly because i ran right after having my recess..but nevermind, treat it as an exercise:] a maths was super boring..i couldnt understand a single thing again! but nevemind..i guess i should revise everything myself..after school we went si min's house for that stupid project. we ate pizza at her house..and mq went there just to have that cheese bites..so funny. and the whole time we were like playing monkey. then bi ran was like super funny..purposely say that i hit her head then the ball bounced off hitting mq. so fake lar..but it was so funny..can laugh until you stomach drop out man..it's time we work hard for eye le..i'm not going to slack so much..i'll do my best! because i dont wanna see my teachers!!!!
Saturday, September 09, 2006
{ 11:16 PM }
we just went for survivalton yesterday in chung cheng yishun. i woke up in thye morning at about 5.30 and took a bathe. then i meet celeste at the bus-stop at about 6.15. i was a bit late though. we took bus no. 7 to tenah merah(not too sure about the spelling) mrt station. we took the mrt down to tampines to meet the rest. almost all were late except for estelle and the two of us. after everyone came, we took estelle's father's car to chung cheng yishun. on the way there, we were lost. and we asked a few people for directions. as in..we called them. it was like so funny. soon we reached there. we werent late after all:] there arranged us according to our groups and then there was this speech by some officers. we then sat there to wait for the alarm to sound so that the game would begin. our first station was pioneering. we had to build a structure to carry a few packets of maggie mees and canned food. we hadnt enough time to finish building it, so we made do with the tripod we built. at first we thought our structure would collapse, but it didnt after all. the next station was dont know what mie thingy. when we reached there, we had to cheer first. then they explained the rules. there is two casualties. one is unconcious, the other is like paralysis. i was the paralysis one. and they had to like transport the two casualties back without stepping on those mines. estelle and pam like had to "carry" me back. then i was so scared..and then keep pressing onto them..then they like vv kin1 ku3 like that..so sorry..then celeste carried eunice back..as in piggy back her. the next station was the knots one. each one of us had to take turns going up and doing the obstacles. like..after recognising the knots, then must go guess the knots and then tie it. after tying it, we'll have to build a structure to like display them. it's so fun..and ours was like so nice! cant dont admit it what..after this we proceeded ontot the next one. the next one was like the worse one. so boring. sat there and had a so called quiz on everything on np. so boring. the last station was the best. we all had to be blind folded and the leader will give command for us to retrieve the pegs hanging on the twines. of course the leader is not blind folded. after this we proceeded abck to the sports hall where we assembled in the morning. from there, we went to their hall. there, we were given time to prepare for the cheering competition. and our cheer was like so funny. guess what's our group name? mok rock. hahaas..so funny. soon we were seated and the competition began. the first group was broadrick, then the second was our school. i screwed a bit of it..oops=x ph won the cheering comp and tkgs won thje survivalton. congrates man! they then invited us all to go for a buffet downstairs. we all didnt eat much except for pam and shaun..who ate the fried rice. we took the tkgs bus back to tkgs and some of them had to go back to school for inter area, while the rest wanted to go out for lunch. i went home as there was food for me..it was such a tired day that i slept in the church. actually i sleep a lot in church de..=P it was such a fun day!!!
Thursday, September 07, 2006
{ 11:28 PM }
after waking up and getting ready for some things, i still got sent home. sometimes it's really unfair when you come to think of it. i've paid a price to get nothing in return. is it fair for me? ok..let me tell you about today. i went to changkat changi for pk course. after changing into my full u and falling in, i found out that we could choose not to come because we wont get the badge afterall. but i stayed on because i felt that if i went home, it'll be a waste of efforts. so i went up with them altogether and sat there. but then through the mic, the announced,"those who didnt attened the course yesterday, i'm sorry you'll have to go home. those two from chung cheng main whom i said could stay earlier on, you'll have to leave. i'm sorry." that's what they said. i was really angry and sad. almost wanted to cry there, but it isnt worth it is it? it is raining outside..i mean drizzling. and we had to leave. does that mean sending us out leaving nobody to feund for us? so i changed my clothes and went home..straight away went to sleep..because i was so tired. for the past few days, i havent been waking up past 8. suddenly feel like hugging someone and crying now. everytime when the lights went off and i'm all alone, tears will just flow out uncontrollably. i want to hug someone and cry ever so fiercely so that i'll feel better. i know crying wont make you feel better, when tomorrow comes, the pain will still remain, but my life is currently very sucky lar..i hate thie bloody life. and i know there isnt ren2 qing2 wei4 in this world. from what i see today, i understand..when will it rain again?
Sunday, September 03, 2006
{ 11:39 PM }
while everyone is worrying about their ssgt promotion, i'm here trying to think positive. i didnt feel a slightest bit of worried..maybe life is this way. if it pass, then you are lucky, if not, then sorry. that very morning, on saturday, i was very angry, cursing on the way to school. i was wondering, why sohuld i wake up so early and go for a test which i know for sure i will screw. why? this question repeatedly occurred to me. i reached school with a grim outlook and went about doing my things quietly. i almost burst into tears when i was preparing to change into my full uniform. the feeling of self defiance again. i dont feel like talking about the whole ssgt ecperience. let me talk a bit about it then. we stood there from 7.30-9.00 just for a stupid uniform check. and my legs were like on the verge of collapsing. thank god nothing happened. then we went to the parade square for MOI. i was one of the last few to do it and i was suppose to teach besurai. guess what? i made a lot of mistake. ha. anyways..i'm planning to fail. then afte4r this was interview. when i went in, they asked me the recite the pledge. after which they started bomarding me with questions..and when i answered, they thought of some stupid rebuttal. it made me go.."what the hell?" but i could stop my mouth from saying it. their last sentence was,"you go and find out and then tell us in your next interview." it's so obvious that i failed! ok..i failed. amen. the we had written test. after which we went home at about 7. make us waste like almost a day in school for this sure fail test. how funny. and for this whole thing, i only have a word for it-screwed. sunday was a super free day because i only had swimming in the morning. guess what? i had to swim with those kids. like i'm so old..and they are like so young. and i knew what they didnt know already..sigh. what can i do?? just practise. today i was supose to go escape with bi ran, si min, yu qing , cel and mao, but i was down with slight fever and flu, so i couldnt go. yesterday was worse, but today not that bad..althought i'm still a bit of giddy and weak. and later i'm still having piano..but i'm quite sure i can play it because my hands are alright(: hope they enjoy themselves..there's o level music tomorrow. i dont feel like going to school tomorrow..because i hate o level music. it's like i worked and studied for it, yet, i still didnt pass..i'm just aint gifted in music. i was looking through some songs when i came across this group called for my pain. and thier songs are like so nice..just suits me..i mean the lyrics. let me put this song here, dedicated to those who wants to find the meaning of life, but still see the worse of it all.
tomorrow is a closed gate(dead for so long)A broken voice from the broken dreams
My heart is drowning in loveblood
I can't forget your leaving shape
Everyday is like a long walk in the cold rain
I'm bleeding and loosing my grip
Tomorrow is a closed gate
I have been dead for so long
And no one's gonna shed a tear
I have been dead for so long
And no one seems to care
Sometimes I really hate people close to me
They want to see my reaction
That I don't want to give
Sometimes I really want to be just
Without any kind of Torturing stress
I wrote it in the dead air, I wrote it in the shape of despair
I see the silence in the stranger's smiles
They don't care
Memories in the screams of the gate, my past slowly fades
Questions are stones on my way
I'm still walking anyway
